Batman and Bathtubs
by starshards
Summary: Kai finds it hard to care about the workings of his team unless it directly involves him. Alas, when an arguement between team mates sees him feeling overtired, undersexed and leaves him with a Takao on his floor, drastic action really is required. [KaRe]


I'm not Taka-bashing honestly, but I was in this situation myself (though I wasn't trying to half-rape my hikari xD;) and to be perfectly honest, the best character to fit the bill is our dear Taka. He's tired and pissed off, so that adds to the way he's acting too.

I'm not sure if I'm out of my slump yet, but I hope this pleases at least some people -

Happy birthday, Tiqi xx

* * *

**In some situations, suicide may be considered to be the best action.**

Kai had never been fond of the idea of killing oneself. He found to be a waste of time, which could have been used much more practically.

However, he was now, absolutely sure that there were rare occasions in which suicide may be considered to be the best action. He himself, at that very moment was entertaining the thought of placing the pillow his head was resting upon (filled with the finest Hungarian goose down) and just ramming it down upon his face. Bliss.

"Psst. Are either of you awake."

Two 's company, three's a crowd. How often had he heard _that_ one?

"Kai? Rei? Are you awake?"

And it was true. Rei was company. Rei was lovely, lovely company. Company that he was comfortable with and used to and chose to be around, but now he wasn't with _just_ Rei. There was someone _else_ and now it was crowded. And all he wanted to do, all he could _dream_ of doing was…

"Kai?"

…throttling Takao.

"What?" He roared.

Kai was, very, very tired. Tired and frustrated. As a result his all ready short patience was hurtling towards its limit.

"Kai! Shut up." Rei spoke up in a grumpy voice.

"Yeah, Kai. Shut up!" Takao echoed.

Kai growled. "Don't you fucking tell me to shut up! Shut your own fucking big mouth, Kinomiya."

"Kai! Will you lower your damned voice?" Rei snapped.

A vague, dark outline was all Kai could see of his lover, though it was enough to tell him that Rei was leaning upon his forearms staring down at him, probably glaring. "Sorry, Rei." he muttered quietly.

"Sorry, Rei." Takao repeated in a mocking voice, before laughing at his -apparently- very funny joke.

Kai ground his teeth together.

**-o-o-o-**

This of course, was not the 'normal' situation. However, today had not been a 'normal' day. 'Normal' was getting up, exercising, training, eating, hanging out with Rei, going to bed, getting some nookie and sleeping. Takao, Max, Kyoujyu and Hiromi went off to do… whatever it was they did, and Kai was perfectly happy. As far as his life was concerned, he was more than content.

However, today Takao and Max had decided that they would come barging into his happy little existence. It had been in style of course. Where was the drama without the shouting and the throwing things and the swearing?

Naturally, Kai had cared about as much as he cared about Hiromi's new bra (Hiromi was trying to make him her 'gay friend' and, much as he liked the girl, he wasn't quite ready for that 'honour' yet,) which was- to say the least- not a lot. He knew that this catfight would be over within a day and so it wasn't his problem.

Unfortunately, it _became_ his problem when night came.

After a dinner during which he ignored the tense atmosphere in favour of muttering quietly to Rei; and an evening of television in which his attention was more on the fact that the heat wave had passed and tonight he would finally be getting some action, he had pulled Rei up and announced that they were heading off to bed, because they were really _very_ tired.

However, as it transpired, Kai had only just managed to fumble Rei's shirt open when a rather intrusive knock at the door interrupted their rather heated embrace.

Naturally Kai had told Rei to avoid it, and, naturally Rei had avoided his seeking lips and dodged around him to see what whoever it was wanted. Kai's heart had sunk when he had noticed that it was Takao at their door. Takao bearing an armful of futon; Takao who asked if he could crash on their floor for the night and, finally; Takao who gently reminded Kai that it was _his_ house.

And it was Kai who stormed off to the bathroom to take a cold shower ignoring Takao's question of 'Do you have a wallet in your pocket?'

**-o-o-o-**

Kai _had_ hoped that all the excitement of the day would tire Takao out enough to see him sleeping soundly within ten minutes. One and a half hours later, and Takao was still moving around fitfully.

"Kinomiya! Will you just fucking _lie still?_"" He bit out when Takao rolled over yet _again_.

"I'm _hot_!" Takao complained.

"Don't flatter yourself." Kai muttered.

"Hey! I heard that, bastard." Takao shouted back.

Rei bolted upright, cutting off Kai's retort. "For… what are you both? Three? If you want to bicker, do it outside because I'm trying to sleep." His voice came out as an aggravated hiss as he obviously fought to control his temper.

"…Sorry, Rei." Kai mumbled for the second time that night.

Takao laughed. "Kai, Rei really has you wrapped around his finger, doesn't he?"

"No he doesn't!" Kai snapped defensively.

'_Yes he does!' _Kai's mind disagreed.

"So, Takao," Rei jumped in, "what _were_ you and Max arguing about anyway?"

Takao grunted and rolled over to face the wall.

Kai smirked and leaned into Rei. "Nice one." He whispered.

"I have my uses." Kai could tell from the tone of his voice that Rei was smiling.

"Yes, I _had_ noticed." Kai purred lowly, finding the back of Rei's head with his right hand and lowering Rei's face to his own. He managed to hit his lips on the third attempt (it was dark, after all) and happily engaged the other in a drawn out kiss.

Rei moaned very softly as their tongues slid together and gripped Kai's upper arm, before pulling back in surprise when a pillow landed squarely on their faces.

"Guys! I can hear the _noises_." Takao huffed.

Kai growled lowly in his throat as he sat up, snatching the pillow as he did so and sent it hurtling at their 'host'. "Dickhead." He spat, before laying back down.

"Tomorrow, Kai." Rei whispered, pausing to yawn. "Promise."

"Good." Kai sighed, closing his eyes and trying to ignore the fact that it had been two weeks since he had gotten _any_ action.

Five minutes of blissful silence passed before… "Kai?"

"Yes, Kinomiya?" Kai replied.

"This is fun isn't it? Sort of like a sleepover! I haven't shared a room with you guys in forever!"

"I wonder why." Kai snorted.

"Hey! I was only being nice!" Takao defended himself.

Kai sat up and looked in his general direction. "I'm sorry. Would you rather I got the nail varnish out and painted your toes while we talk about cute boys?"

Takao's quick response was; "No!"

"Good. Then stop calling this a _sleepover_."

Takao stayed silent for a few moments, as if considering this. He seemed to choose not to understand, when he spoke up again. "Kai?"

Kai sighed tiredly. "Yes, Kinomiya?"

"What's it like… you know… being gay?"

Kai opened his heavy lidded eyes to stare into the inky blackness at what he presumed to be the ceiling. "It's fantastic. Colours are brighter, everything makes more sense and you automatically know how to dance and what to wear."

"Wow! _Really_?" Takao asked, excitement leaking into his voice.

Kai snorted. "No. Now shut the fuck up and go the sleep."

"I'm just showing an interest, Kai. No need to bite my head off." Takao snapped. Then he switched tactics. "Rei?"

"Hmmmm?" Rei responded tiredly.

"Is Kai still grumpy during gay sex?"

Kai's eyes snapped towards Takao incredulously. Rei was silent for a very long moment stunned by the rather random question. "No." He said finally. "He's very…" Rei paused, trying to find an answer that was a) inoffensive to Takao, b) inoffensive to Kai and c) honest enough to satisfy Takao's bizarre question. "Pleased." He concluded.

Takao laughed. "That'd be funny to see." Kai scoffed, insulted that Takao found the idea of him having sex funny. Takao's laugh died, however, and his voice turned worried when something else occurred to him. "Hey! Have you guys ever had gay sex when you were sharing a room with us?"

Kai rubbed his eyes furiously, considering gouging them out as he did so. "Kinomiya, you don't _have_ to add the 'gay' part every time, you know. We'll still know what you're on about if you just say 'sex'. And, no; Rei wouldn't let me go past a quick hand job."

Rei coughed uncomfortably and there was silence for a few seconds, before –by an unspoken agreement- they all agreed to stop talking about the subject.

The quiet stretched out, and Kai dared to hope so much that he even began to drift, images of hand-jobs leaving a small smile upon his lips. Blissful darkness relaxed him, lulling him into a hard-earned sleep.

That was until; "Rei?" of course.

"Hn?" Rei grunted back.

"Is Kai asleep?" Takao asked.

"No." Kai responded.

"Oh."

Kai opened his eyes and sighed heavily. "What? What is it? Just _say_ it, for God's sake."

"I can't sleep. I was just wondering if Rei wanted to talk." Takao replied.

"Why Rei?" Kai asked, feeling strangely offended that Takao wanted to talk to Rei rather than him.

"Because he won't bite my head off." Takao deadpanned.

Kai opened his mouth to argue, but realised that Takao was correct, so he rolled onto his front and murmured a soft "whatever."

"Takao… aren't you tired?" Rei asked, his voice thick with denied sleep.

Takao missed the hint by a mile. "I'm too hot." He paused for a moment, thinking. "Are you guys cuddled up together?"

"No. Too hot."

"No. Too uncomfortable." They responded simultaneously.

"Uncomfortable?" Takao echoed. "I always thought it was nice." He sounded a little crestfallen about that.

Rei brushed some hair out of his heavy lidded eyes. "In theory it's all well and good, but you go to sleep with your arms wrapped around someone and the next morning when you wake up, you'll find that it's completely dead."

"Yeah, but Kai's really heavy." Takao reasoned.

"Hey! Watch what you saying or I'll knock you out, you cheeky little-"

"I didn't mean it like that!" Takao jumped in. "I only meant that Hiromi's really-" He stopped suddenly and Kai couldn't help but smile when he heard Rei snicker softly.

Guessing that Takao's face was probably glowing in embarrassment, Kai decided to leave his sarcastic comment to himself. Besides, he hoped that Takao's mortification would be enough to keep him silent long enough to send him off to sleep.

It seemed to work, because, several minutes later, Takao's breathing shifted to a deeper, slower rhythm.

"Finally." Kai muttered as he rolled over onto his side and –without ceremony- plunged his hand past the waistband of Rei's underwear.

Rei's eyes snapped open. "Kai… what are you _doing_?" He grumbled, not sounding as enthusiastic as Kai hoped he would.

"I'm taking you on a trip to Pleasure Town." Kai smirked; dropping kisses onto his bare chest.

Rei sighed and shoved him off. "You know how I mentioned that I wouldn't mind a little more romance?" Kai nodded. "That wasn't it."

"Rei, this is the first time in fifteen days that we've been able to lie within two feet of each other without becoming overheated. Just let me…" He trailed off as he drew Rei into a passionate and lengthy kiss.

"Kai,' Rei gasped out as Kai began to work on his jaw. "Not with Takao in the room."

"He's asleep." Kai argued back.

"Mmm… Kai, I don't care. Stop it." Rei pushed at him with far less strength than he was capable of. Kai couldn't help but smirk victoriously.

"Mmmmmyeahstoday."

Both Kai and Rei froze, slowly turning their heads to face Takao's general direction.

Takao laughed before mumbling something unintelligible.

Kai frowned. "Is he…"

"Asleep? I _think_ so." Rei responded. "Takao?" He called out softly. When he got no reply, he tried again, a little louder. "Taka?"

"Wantthesamosas." Takao sighed.

Kai drooped his head in defeat. Climbing off Rei he swung his legs off the bed and stood up. "Kai?" Rei questioned.

"I'm tired, Rei. I'm tired and I'm _horny_ and Takao is talking about food in his sleep." Kai sounded a little upset, Rei noted. "So I am going to go into the bathroom, stare at myself in the mirror and then sleep in the bathtub, because, at the moment _that_ seems like the most logical thing to do."

Sleep and sex deprivation _definitely_ didn't agree with Kai, Rei decided as the elder stomped away to carry out his so-called 'logical' plan.

Cursing softly to himself, when Kai didn't return after several minutes, Rei slid out of bed and dragged himself out of the room and across the hallway, over to the bathroom door. Upon trying to open it he found it to be locked, so he had to resort to knocking softly, hoping all the while that he woke no one else in the house up.

"Takao, I swear to God, if you need to pee I'll cut your-"

"It's me, Kai." Rei interrupted his partner's assortment of grumbles and growls.

Seconds later he heard the lock turn and he stepped back when the door swung open to reveal a droopy-eyed Kai. "What are you doing here, Rei?" He murmured.

Rei smiled and walked into the bathroom. Shaking his head at the stupidity of the situation. "You know they'll be friends again tomorrow, right?"

"Tell me something I don't know." Kai groaned.

"So this is all really, very silly isn't it?" Rei pushed.

Kai stared at him in the dim light filtering in from the hallway. "Probably." He replied.

Rei shook his head and climbed into the tub. "Come on then."

"Rei, what are you doing?" Kai squinted at him.

"I'm joining you." He answered simply.

Kai stared at him in bemusement, but climbed in behind him regardless. "Why are we doing this?" Kai asked, as if only just realising how over-dramatically they were acting.

Rei leaned back against him and closed his eyes. "I have no idea." Rei responded quietly. "But at least you know that I care about you enough to sleep in a bathtub with you. That's got to stand for _something_."

Kai settled -which was admittedly an overstatement since he was in a _bathtub_- and smiled tiredly. "Is _that_ romance then?"

Rei chuckled around a yawn. "Maybe."

"…Romance is extremely strange." Kai admitted.

**-o-o-o-**

Kai and Rei ended up playing the 'what if' game until they exhausted themselves enough to override the discomfort of the bathtub and actually get some sleep. Unfortunately for them, that was by about seven in the morning, and Max decided that he needed his morning pee at quarter to eight.

He didn't question either of the two disgruntled teens as they stepped out of the bathtub and ambled out of the bathroom. Kai however, paused at the door and stared back at Max.

Max couldn't help but be taken aback as twin embers burned into him with almost hellish fury. "Team meeting in five minutes." Kai rasped.

Max's eyes widened. "Five minutes? That's a bit early isn't it?"

"_Five minutes_." Kai repeated in the same tone.

As it so happened, the meeting didn't kick off until ten-past eight, considering that Hiromi and Kyoujyu had had their entire households woken up by 'some kind hissing maniac on the phone, who was probably an axe-murderer' as Kyoujyu's mother put it.

When they finally all assembled, rubbing their eyes and wondering just what the _Hell_ was going on, Kai stood, swaying slightly as he did so.

"I have called an urgent team meeting to discuss things that need to be discussed urgently." He started, not catching the amused and confused glances the others sent to each other. Rei dozed on the floor. "Max!"

Max's eyes widened once more. "Uhh… yeah?"

"Make up with Kinomiya or I will kick you off the team." Kai had originally intended to say 'get a hit man on your ass', but Rei had informed him that that was a little _too_ harsh.

Max looked incredulous. "_What_? What kind of stupid-" He spluttered.

Kai interrupted him as if he wasn't actually speaking. "I don't care if you fall out. What I _do_ care about is getting no sleep. I _do_ care about sleeping in a bathtub. And most of all, I care about not getting laid. So, the next time you decide to not like each other, _please_ tell me so I can book a hotel room. A day in advance should do it. Okay, thanks. Bye." And with that last, desperate plea, Kai flopped down next to Rei and proceeded to go to sleep.

Max, Hiromi, Kyoujyu and Takao simply stared at the older portion of their team as they snoozed on the dojo floor. They exchanged glances, not quite sure of what to do until Max finally spoke up.

"So… uhhh. Wanna go to the arcade?" He suggested.

"Yeah! We can get breakfast in that Chinese Noodle place." Takao grinned.

Max grinned back. "I'll race you there."

"Eat my dust!" Takao laughed.

Hiromi watched at the skipped away. She turned to Kyoujyu who was still looking unsure about what to do with Kai and Rei. "Weren't they fighting?"

"Yes." Kyoujyu stated.

"… Do you have any idea what it was about?"

"Whether Batman was cooler than Spider-Man." He informed her.

She stared at Kyoujyu for a moment, before she dropped the surprised act. "You know, I don't know why I'm shocked. I think it's for the best though, that Kai and Rei don't find out about that little fact."

"Nope." Kyoujyu agreed.

Shaking her head, she leaned down to pat them both gently. "Night, guys." She smiled at the slumbering pair, but had to wonder. Was the floor really that much more comfortable than the bathtub?

"Mmmm." Rei sighed in his sleep.

Apparently so, she deduced.

* * *

This was a broadcast by Jess.Media. 

LOLOLOLOLOLOL I got a doujinshi today in which Kai gives Rei head. LOLOLOLOLOLOLERSKATES.

Over and out.


End file.
